The Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award Contest begins next week, and I would like some input on my pitch, if you don't mind.
Pitches, like synopsis and query letters, are so difficult for people who never knew writing a book meant anything other than writing a book and getting it published. I've done this wrong so many times, but now think it's good. Any feedback I could get would be great.
In particular, please let me know if you think the last paragraph should stay or go. Someone told me the last paragraph didn't add anything to the pitch and that it was like I was begging.
The pitch for the contest is to be no longer than 300 words. This one here is 260.
Here's the pitch for Anticipation of the Penitent, changed from when I first posted this based on the wonderful comments I've gotten so far:
Pitches, like synopsis and query letters, are so difficult for people who never knew writing a book meant anything other than writing a book and getting it published. I've done this wrong so many times, but now think it's good. Any feedback I could get would be great.
In particular, please let me know if you think the last paragraph should stay or go. Someone told me the last paragraph didn't add anything to the pitch and that it was like I was begging.
The pitch for the contest is to be no longer than 300 words. This one here is 260.
Here's the pitch for Anticipation of the Penitent, changed from when I first posted this based on the wonderful comments I've gotten so far:
Written in poignant, literary prose, Anticipation
of the Penitent chronicles one family's battle between good and evil that is rendered to its destined completion.
Alezea is African American, in her
mid-forties, thick-boned and troubled. She lives with her serial killer son,
Thomas, whose father is Satan. Thomas is thrilled to gratify his father, and
aspires to exceed at his job.
Moved by her elderly employer, Alezea
confesses her life of sin, from working as a child in her family’s drug
enterprise, to the devil taking claim of her as a young adult. An unlikely bond
develops that gives Alezea a first glimpse of hope that her life might change.
The employer guides Alezea to Gabriel,
an isolated Christian community, where she begins to see her son as a part of
herself and not merely as Satan’s seed. Only, Thomas defiantly plots to carry
out his violent calling, which all but destroys his mother and nearly sends her
fully into the devil’s clutches.
Caged, maimed and in turmoil, Alezea longs
only for death. Using a most unorthodox method, the people of Gabriel
refuse to let that happen, despite Thomas’ escape.
While free from Gabriel, Thomas enters into
an unexpected union and schemes to further his father’s line. This venture
takes him to new heights in his lifework, evolves him to maturity, and forces
him to encounter the astonishing truth of his heritage.
In a thrilling and
mysterious journey of trials, growth, and a touch of horror, is one story of how
God uses every person to fulfill a sinner’s hope.
Hey Nancy! From reading others, I know that the second paragraph needs to be integrated into the rest of it - it's all telling.
ReplyDeleteDo you know Matthew? He analyzes query letters on his blog, the QQQE. Maybe if you emailed him, Matthew could give you a quick analysis that way. His blog is in the top part of my sidebar - QQQE is short for the whole title.
Thank you Alex. I didn't know of Matthew. I appreciate the reference.
DeleteAlex is quite right about the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteJulie wrote a post about "elevator" pitches - short pitches you'd toss to an editor in an elevator - that have all the essential elements for a pitch. How long you wish to make each element is up to you. A couple of sentences for those "What's your book about" questions, and longer for longer pitches.
Here's the link to Julie's post (and included in her post is a link to the lady/author who spoke at the seminar where J. got the info):
http://athoughtgrows.blogspot.com/2012/11/stephen-king-wants-my-heart.html
Yes, Michael, I have read Julie's post. I'll look it over again. It's just hard when I know the whole story to put in enough of a hook in a short pitch, enough of a summary, and have it all make sense.
DeleteI definitely know the turmoil of trying to get an ABNA pitch right. The first time I entered, I didn't make it past the pitch stage, but last year I did, so I hope I can help. I think you have a solid premise, just need to clarify it for us. Here goes:
ReplyDeleteCaged, maimed and in turmoil, Alezea longs only for death. Her whole life has stemmed from evil. Looking over her past, she begins to understand how she has become ensnared. [I almost think you could use this as an outline with each sentence here acting as a paragraph.]
Alezea is African American, in her mid-forties, thick-boned and troubled. She lives with her serial killer son, Thomas, whose father is Satan. THIS INFO WOULD MAKE A NICE FIRST SENTENCE.Thrilled to gratify his father, Thomas aspires to exceed at his job.
Moved by her elderly employer Martha, Alezea confesses her life of sin, from working as a drug-runner as a child, to the devil taking claim of her as a young adult. An unlikely bond develops that gives Alezea a first glimpse of hope that her life might change.
Guided by Martha to Gabriel, an isolated Christian community, Alezea begins to see her son as a part of herself and not merely as Satan’s seed. Only, Thomas defiantly plots to carry out his violent calling, which all but destroys his mother and nearly sends her fully into the devil’s clutches. Using a most unorthodox method, the people of Gabriel refuse to let that happen, despite Thomas’ escape.
Free from Gabriel, Thomas enters into an unexpected union and schemes to further his father’s line. This venture takes him to new heights in his lifework, evolves him to maturity, and forces him to encounter the astonishing truth of his heritage. IS THIS NOVEL ABOUT THOMAS OR HIS MOM?
In a thrilling and mysterious journey of trials, growth, and a touch of horror, is a chronicle of how God uses every person to fulfill a sinner’s hope. In beautiful, literary prose, the battle between good and evil in one family is rendered to its destined completion.
I actually like your ending paragraph. As a pitch (vs. a query) they want this info, so I'd keep that part. I hope this helps. Overall, I think you need to focus on the MAIN conflict. You're close, though.
Thank you so much for your tips here. I'm not sure what you mean by using those as an outline for each paragraph. But I do see what you're talking about with the first sentence. I'll work through this again.
DeleteBased on your comments, Shell Flower, I have adjusted the pitch. Again, thanks!
DeleteNancy, I wish you well on entering the contest. Unfortunately, I'm not one to ask regarding advice on the pitch, as it's something I struggle with, too. Wishing you all the best and hope you get some useable advice.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand Demetria. It seems every time I think it's perfect, another issue gets pointed out. Which is great, but makes you wonder when it will ever be just right. And I hadn't even completed my synopsis! That's just as trying. Luckily, you don't need a synopsis for the contest.
DeleteHi Nancy! Well you've already gotten excellent advice already and I'm not sure I can add anything more. That and I don't have much experience writing pitches, yet. But I'd definitely get into contact with Matthew at The QQQE as Alex already suggested. As for your last paragraph, I thought it was great. Good luck with this and I can't wait to start reading the book. (:
ReplyDeleteI'm glad no one else thought the last paragraph was bad. I felt it added to the theme and purpose of the book.
DeleteAloha Nancy,
ReplyDeleteHere's my thoughts. I've cut about fifty words and tightened up some sentences.
Alezea is a middle-aged African American, all thick bones and trouble. She lives with her serial killer spawn, Thomas, whose father is Satan. Thrilled to gratify his father, the son aspires to exceed at his job.
Moved by her elderly employer, Martha, Alezea confesses her life of sin, from working as a child drug-runner, to the devil owning her as a young adult. An unlikely bond develops and Alezea glimpses hope that her life might change.
Guided by Martha to Gabriel, an isolated Christian community, Alezea sees her son as a part of herself and not only as Satan’s seed. Thomas, in defiance, continues his violent calling, all but destroying his mother.
Caged, maimed and in turmoil, Alezea longs for death. Using a most unorthodox method, the people of Gabriel refuse to let that happen, despite Thomas’ escape.
Thomas enters into an unexpected union and schemes to further his father’s line. This takes him to new heights, evolves him to maturity and allows him to encounter the astonishing truth of his heritage.
In a mysterious journey of trials, growth and a touch of horror, Anticipation of the Penitent is a chronicle of how God uses everyone to fulfill a sinner’s hope. In vivid, literary prose, the battle between good and evil in one family is rendered to its destined completion.
###
Good luck and much success :)
Great Mark. I like a lot of your suggestions and appreciate this!
DeleteMark has a lot of good suggestions. One thing I might add, is that you begin a lot of your sentences with phrases like, "guided by," "moved by," "thrilled..." "caged..." I would change up the sentence structure a little bit for variety.
ReplyDeleteYes, Sherry, I thought of that, but only in passing. I'll see what I can do. Thanks.
DeleteIf I received this as a query, I would love to have the last paragraph as the first. It gives the concept of the novel.
ReplyDeleteI think it could also be tweeked to an elevator pitch by including the protag's name.
What you have right now is a synopsis.
It seems that each venue calls things differently. This "pitch" seems to fit more like the previous winners' pitches - not an elevator pitch, but not a synopsis that gives the whole story away.
DeleteI think I will add that last paragraph in query letters when I get back into sending them out. Thanks so much Sunny.