Tuesday, April 23, 2013


This is a story that will be in my upcoming book of flash fiction and poetry. As with all my writing, I am open to any criticisms and encouragement. I hadn't gotten much input on this one yet, so be real and don't worry, I've got thick skin!


Marcus dreaded the hope he held onto for so long. Marietta was four when she was taken. Now, he doubted that he would recognize his own daughter.
An old friend of Charlise finally admitted that Charlise sent her a postcard a year ago. Marcus immediately went looking, driving nonstop to find Marietta from the information he gathered from the postcard. He barely considered that he had stolen his employer’s car to do so. To Marcus, it was much worse that his wife stole his daughter after losing custody of her, as if it wasn’t her idea to live with a convicted child molester.
Marcus arrived in this Godforsaken town three hours ago. He could not get himself to end his futile search and find a place to park the stolen taxi cab for the night.
His itchy, red and heavy eyes threatened to stay shut every time he blinked. Finally he noticed an open Mexican restaurant. He would park and pray that Charlise worked there. Whenever she did work, it was always as a waitress. Marcus sent his petition to God to find them.
Before turning into the parking lot, he heard a meek yet shrill voice cry out, “Taxi!”
Marcus whipped his head around and saw a girl of about thirteen in front of a closed library, hailing him.
His heart skipped a beat, but Marietta was only eleven, and this girl had short natural hair. Charlise would die before letting Marietta go with natural hair. Marcus had to see what this young girl needed, and hurriedly made a U-turn.
She opened the rear door, jumped in, and said, “See that Mexican restaurant across the street? In about five minutes, a man is going to come out. I want you to follow him.”
Turning around to look at the girl, Marcus saw the layers of make-up and knew why he thought she looked older. His shock prevented tears from falling or his mouth from working. His vision blurred, but finally he was able to shout, “Marietta!” She looked the same after all, only her eleven year old body was camouflaged with makeup and clothing too old for her.
Marietta stared at him, fear spreading across her face. Then recognition formed along with tears in her eyes.
“Daddy?” She said it so softly, then louder, “Daddy!”
They hugged and kissed each other, crying and talking at the same time.
“They told me you didn’t want me anymore.”
“I’ve been looking for you forever.”
“I knew they were lying.”
“Are you okay?”
“They told me that you died so I wouldn’t ask to go home anymore.”
“I was never going to stop looking for you.”
After a few moments of silence, Marietta said, “Daddy, that guy who’s coming out the restaurant said he’s taking me to a secret place tomorrow where he would get paid taking pictures of me. I wanted to follow him and see where that secret place is so I could stay away.”
Horrified, Marcus shouted, “Buckle up!”
They drove away, and on the way home, shared every difficulty they had since the last time they saw each other. Two days later, after arriving home, Marcus went to the District Attorney’s Office to file a report against his Charlise.  


  1. Not bad, Nancy! I remember this prompt from WD and had fun with it myself, giving it a little God and Satan twist.

    As far as technique...not bad, either. It was an interesting story, but didn't draw me. I realize that 500 words doesn't allow for much in the way of development, so we have to be choosy about what we tell, therefore some of this could be cut to make way for more important details.

    I can't put my finger on it, I just know the emotion wasn't there. And...for future reference...I take it "natural" hair means black hair without anything done to it (hair products)?

    I did enjoy the subject matter!

    1. Yes, it is from the WD writing prompt. Several stories I have are from them. Thanks for the review. I will take another look at it and see where it can be spruced up. And yes, that's what natural hair means - no relaxers, weaves, braids, etc.

  2. Hi, Nancy,

    I really liked he premise, but it does need a bit of tweaking. I found the first paragraph a bit confusing. I would start this piece with "Marcus arrived .... his futile search FOR HIS DAUGHTER... then tell about Charlise.

    Weave the information into the body of the piece as he's thinking.

    Then it will be more exciting and intriguing.

  3. Great piece. Glad he was able to find his daughter. Thanks for mentioning my blog!

    1. Your quite welcome, and I hope it generates traffic for you even though I didn't get many comments today. :)

  4. Wow! How terrible. He found her just in time.

  5. So glad they reunited. Wonderful story.

  6. well written Nancy and a good story too!
    It was the title of this post that drew me to it. I had posted with the same title on my blog. But the stories are very different.
    Here's the link to it, if you need a good laugh :)


    1. Thanks Nina for your input. I always wonder how many people come up with the same post name in this challenge. I'm checking out your post now. :)

  7. I really liked the story! I found myself wanting to skip to the dialog though, but then I didn't know what was going on, so I had to start over. I don't know why my eye always wants to skip to dialog, and I wonder if that's common.

    #atozchallenge, Kristen's blog: kristenhead.blogspot.com

    1. I get that way too sometimes. Maybe I could spruce up who's saying what to make the eyes want to stay on track. Thanks for your input and I'm glad you liked it. :)


Your comments add wonderful flavors. Thank you!

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